Category Archives: humor

The World According to Ejaz Butt

If Ejaz Butt were to be in charge of our history books:

  1. Brutus did not actually stab Julius Ceaser. Ceaser tripped on a rug and fell on a butter knife that Brutus was holding for the King.
  2. Jackie Kennedy actually was the second shooter on the grassy knoll.
  3. Elvis never left the building. He is still hanging out by that dimly lit corner.
  4. The Jews in ’30s and ’40s Germany committed mass suicide. They were part of a cult and it was just a 9-year long ceremony.
  5. Maradona cleanly headed that ball in for the goal.
  6. Radio killed the Video star.
  7. Two plus Two is most certainly Five.
  8. You can teach an old dog new tricks.
  9. Ricky Ponting is the most liked cricketer in the history of the sport.
  10. Tom Cruise is the sanest person in the world. Well, next only to Mr. Ejaz Butt.

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CLT20 Team of Names

As the all important Champions League T20 tournament comes to an end — Okay, Okay, I was only kidding. I am a bit jaded with all the T20 matches going on and finding it hard to keep up. Especially, with Ejaz Butt issuing statements left and right and not knowing who took what money where, it has become doubly tough to keep your head straight about all the goings on in Cricket these days.

However, I found just enough time away from the twitter and blog barrage coming out of the spotfixing controversy to look over at the CLT20. All he international teams with the unknown players, its always interesting go through the squad lists and check out for stats that really stand out. Or, squad pages where the photographs look like they put them together just before the teams took the field. In my opinion, the Central Districts page is extremely funny (in a very unprofessional sense) but JRod thinks Pakistan’s page pwns all other squad profiles. Oh well.

One thing that caught my eye during my CLT20 perusing was names of some of the players. There are some interesting ones. Nothing of the magnitude of Dwayne Leverock who was immovable as the rock itself. I put together a list of names and imagined what they might be up to on the field and if not for cricket, what they might be doing in their regular 9-5 lives. Without further ado, here is the list of names that is way better than any list of names that you can come up with. (As always, all of this is made up and there is no truth to it. At all. Not one bit. I like to keep it that way. As you can tell, my only goal in life is to impress Ijaz Butt with my ability to make up shit, like he always does.)
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Jamie How – Captain, Central Districts. Jamie made an appearnace as an answer to the perennial question of who is gonna be made the sacrificial lamb up the order before the actual batsmen like Vettori, Ross Taylor step in and play. With his technique, he always astounded you, “how did How get in to the squad?” or “How has How managed to have a cricketing career as a batsman?”.. there are just too many questions. Far too little answers. In fact, so many that we have decided to replace his last name with a symbol – “?”. He would be the “Prince” (TAFKAP if you prefer that instead) of Cricket. Brian Lara and Ashwell be damned, I say!

Michael Klinger – Captain, South Australia. He is such a delight for the cricket editors world wide. When he batted in the CLT20 with such authority belieoing his pre-tournament form, headline writers drooled over the possibility of writing “Michael helps SA Kling on for victory.” On a side note, he has been rumored to have auditioned for a walk on role in the Star Trek movie as a native Klingon speaker.

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Bird’s the word

Yuvraj Singh, the potential star to take the middle order spot in the Indian test squad, but for now warming up the bench, was caught in a huge uproar on the first day of the third test match between India and Sri Lanka. I scoured the newspapers, websites and blogs to find out what really happened.

Apparently, he was playing the role of “Bobby Boucher” for his team. As you very well know, India-Sri Lanka test matches are the worst thing to happen to…. test matches. In fact, CIA is  showing these test matches live to their prisoners enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay as part of their remodeled psychological torture methods. In his efforts to be more funny than Adam Sandler (which is actually not that hard),  and entertain the sparse crowd at the P Saravanamuttu stadium, Yuvraj Singh flipped the bird, and all hell broke loose. He didn’t just flip any bird, it was the Jungle Fowl, The national bird of Sri Lanka. Oops!

I like flippin' birds for mah fans - Yuvraj

Yuvraj image source: Khaskhabar.com

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Humiliating Haydos

As has become my routine, I logged on this morning and surfed on to Jarrod Kimber’s blog Cricket with Balls and noticed he had made a collage of Jesus poses with Mathew Hayden superimposed on it. Upon further investigation, I noticed he had photoshopped that picture as an entry in to competition to win a crappy DVD. The competition hosted by Rich Irvine of Sports Review (in New Zealand) pissed off about Hayden promoting some theme park in NZ. I guess I would be pretty pissed off too, if Shoaib Malik were to be peddling long distance calling cards in India.

Since it was only a Monday morning and I was at “work”, I quickly opened up GIMP and with the help of some Google image searches, slapped together my very own entry to win the crappy DVD. The picture is pretty self explanatory. Its not about the DVD. This is much more important than that. I need to win this. Help me Richard.

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Muralitharan is a funny motherf**ker

Or he just confused his turbaned Indian spinners. Of course, Murali is the highest wicket taker in the history of test match cricket, and so, I generally tend to put some trust in his words when he makes comments about spinners, especially off-spinners.

Can you tell who's ordinary? Apparently, Murali cannot.

When I read the interview comments he made before the start of what was gonna be his last test match, I was mildly surprised to hear that he thought Harbhajan Singh Plaha was the only bowler that has any chance of breaking his record tally of wickets. May be, he saw something that none of us – except for the Plaha family, saw.

I was even more surprised to hear further comments from Murali during the second match at the concrete roads of SSC that he thinks Bishen Singh Bedi is just an  ordinary spinner. (So surprised was I, my eyebrows did a Colbert.) It is generally known and accepted especially from fans that saw/heard Bedi bowl and the batsmen that faced him that Bedi was a brilliant practitioner of the art of finger spin. He would constantly change the loop and the pace, vary the angles and lengths and tease the batsmen out. I read somewhere that the cricket ball was like a top in Bedi’s hands. Of course, Bedi has for a very long time, maintained that Murali is actually a Javelin thrower stuck in the wrong sport.  So, may be, Murali has some grudges against Bedi?

By making the pre-series statement about Plaha being the only one to have any chance at 800+ wickets, Murali, while trying to sound all genuine, completely messed with his mind. He put the pressure on Plaha. So much so, that Plaha has plahowed and plahadded along for brilliant returns of 2 for 304 at the end of two matches. At this rate, he will only need to play just 444 test matches more to put Murali in the rearview mirror. May be, Murali thought Plaha is the bionic man or the six million dollar man. Whatever the reason, he messes with the minds of Sardarjis and that makes him one funny motherf**ker!

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Uber PWNage

James Anderson Match Figures: 37-15-71-11

Scorecard

Match Report

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Sinhalese Sports Club Cricket Pitch

8 wickets in 3 days. Sounds about right!

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Manchurian Candidate

This is a “Guest Column” written by a friend of the blog, Gautam.  Back in the day, Mohinder Amarnath called the Indian selection committee, “a bunch of jokers” but Gautam has gone a step further and has unearthed the conspiracy theory behind their seemingly stupid selection moves. Gautam’s rants will appear under the category “Wagle ki Duniya“- The Cricket Couch

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When the British ruled the Indian subcontinent as one of its colonies, they introduced the game of cricket to the Maharajah’s and the aristocrats during afternoon sojourns while trying to relieve themselves of the boredom of governance. (And if Mr. Gowariker is to be believed, even the ladies managed to introduce the game to some of the locals). When they finally left, they left behind a divided subcontinent. Historians believe that the “Divide and Rule” policy was a clever strategy by the British to cling on to the colonial rule and if unable to still do so, the least they would do is leave a divided subcontinent as a scar and mark of their dominance for a period of history. Little is it known that the real reason of leaving a subcontinent with divided nations was to ensure that the British team would not face the wrath of a united sub-continental team for in their time they had scouted some serious bowling talent on the western banks of the Indus and an immense batting talent on the other side of the divide.

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Coach calls for change in approach

After his team crashed out of the Twenty20 World cup tournament, a lot sooner than everybody thought, the national team’s coach from South Africa, wants a change in approach from his players:

“We won’t win the World Cup in 2011 if we continue like this. We’ll have to change our approach. We cannot keep repeating the same errors and not make changes.”

The team had players prepared for the Twenty20 world cup by playing in the IPL but even with that, they got knocked out early.  He said that “few hard calls” will have to be made to achieve the results that is expected of the team. He added:

“I don’t want to come down on individuals, but the time is right for change. We have to sit down and think about what is important to change and which players are the right ones to fit in with that change. If we need to make a few hard calls, it will be done.”

He tried to identify the cause of the problems and why his team may have failed to get to the semifinals.

“We again could not cope with the pressure. The question has to be asked why we could not manage it and why it happens repeatedly. Is it our approach to batting, is it our general approach, or are we maybe too tentative? Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. We never reached the kind of form that allowed us to charge. If we performed well in one area, we performed poorly in another. As a team we did not perform well in all three disciplines.”

“We need to find out exactly why they were so under par, and what can be done to improve the situation,”  Andrew Hudson, newly-appointed convenor of selectors,  was quoted as saying by the Sport 24 website.

Wait, Andrew what?? Oh.. All of the above were about South Africa and by their coach Van Zyl?. I thought for a second, since the cricket world revolves around India alone, the above statements were about India’s failures at the world cup. So, there was another top notch team that was expected to do well, didn’t? Who woulda thunk? :)

Courtesy: Cricinfo

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